I thought I was doing better, or more okay to use internet and interact but I'm feeling overwhelmed and disgusting. I can't do this anymore, I can't draw. Some of my things have broken, anyway and it might have been final straw. I keep changing my pfp out of nervousness. I don't want to interact. My paranoia is coming back and I feel again like I'm going to be stalked or hurt if I open myself or be too friendly. And they ruined everything for me. It's always my fault for being too nice I tried to teach myself to be a little meaner but it just scares me more, that I brought it onto myself more.
I don't know what to do. I give up.
SouSTAR
You're not disgusting and it's okay if you don't want to interact. There's no fault in being nice.
Who is "they"? Is someone harassing you? Or do you fear someone's going to harass you?
If it's someone who's actively harassing online, you can block him and report him to the mods, or even Fulp himself (i think)
If it's fear, well, we never know who's we're truly talking to. Even irl, we can't get inside someone's head or heart.
I don't know what you're going through, or if someone is stalking you right now, but just know that it's not your fault. As far as I know, you haven't done or said anything wrong/offensive/harming on this site. And you really seem like a nice person.
Also, protecting/defending oneself isn't being "mean".
We hope the best for you, it's always okay to take a pause from drawing, writing, the internet, or whatever is tiring you out. :)
handofdog (Updated )
*And there is no one stalking me, I just feel like there will be because I'm a perfect loser candidate, men targeted before because they knew I'm isolated and too socially retarded to pick on manipulation. There is a fault in being nice because people take it as an invitation to do whatever they want to you. "They" is men, every man since childhood. I'm not talking about anyone on Newgrounds because at least I'm smart enough to protect myself here and learn from my mistakes. I hate it, I just always still feel like a target because I'm isolated and easily manipulated, I never had friends, I had no female friends because they all think I'm a social awkward retard and women don't like being near women they deem as weird. So I didn't learn any self preservation skills, just intimidation. I always trusted and believed adult men if they were even slightly nice to me because all men just made themselves TERRIFYING to me. I don't get why guys get mad that I'm scared of them when they purposely used fear and intimidation and their strength against me. How am I not supposed to be scared when I'm directly being told I should be afraid?
And I really was doing well, I started taking care of myself and moved on. I didn't feel eager to please anyone anymore but I thought it would be safe to talk to a man if it was from a distance online (before I made this newgrounds account). He was really nice and patient with me because I told him my issues and fears with men and how I hate touching and sex. But even after all that he admits he masturbated to me and then I find out he is just another sex pest, anyway. And he knew I was traumatized from things like that and it just traumatizes itself again. I hate it, I hate it, I hate. I hate that other women don't like me, I hate that interacting with men will lead to sexual things. I don't want to ever have sex, I don't want to touch a penis, so there, I have made myself unusable to men. I am unmarketable, I am never going to marry.